I am in charge of organizing a day trip to a city and the tour guide I was talking to mentioned that we can visit a wine museum and then drink some wine. She mentioned ‘’you will like this…’’ and I was uncomfortable because I actually don’t drink and enjoy wine but because I enjoyed talking to her, she was nice to me and I liked her I did not want to speak up or ruin the talk cause I worried she would not like me or that she would suddenly be upset or concerned herself that she needs to change the tour. Which is then why I mentioned she should send me her information so I should look for it. I said to her ‘’I am excited – this seems fun,’’ without a mention about the wine part.
I find it really would have been no problem to mention briefly that I don’t drink but perhaps we can find a way to cater/please the other women to drink wine themselves. I don’t think this would have ruined/damaged our friendship but simply expanded her awareness of me.
I realize that when I like someone (a woman as potential friendship) and she likes me to, that I want to hold/keep that relationship as so, since I can see that I have a desire to have a close, secure and intimate relationship with a woman, where I can call them my best/good friend and they do the same as me, and we do things that I have desired/wanted from a female friendship of being liked, going out, having fun together. I realize though it rarely works this way – where female friendships can’t be so ideal because of the extent of the MCS, we can’t trust anyone, even our best friends can turn their backs on us. The only and best stable/secure relationship one can have is with ourselves, but even that is a process to walk to gain self-trust. So this craving for a deep, long-lasting female relationship perhaps comes from a lack of self-intimacy within and/or childhood points where I have had difficulty maintaining female friendships (and had problems with them for quite some time)…
If I could go back, what I would have done was: When N mentions the wine drinking and museum visit, and especially after she mentions ‘’you would like that!’’ I gently say ‘’ahh, actually I don’t drink alcohol, but maybe we can include that as an option for women to do…?’’ and see where that takes us.
Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective/Commitment Statements:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up and state that I don’t drink alcohol due to the fear of N judging me or suddenly not liking me as much as I believe she does already
When and as I see myself fear being judged or be not liked by someone by stating that I don’t drink alcohol, I stop and I breath. I realize what do I have to lose if I stand up and speak up for myself and where I stand? It would be worse for me to fall within the face of fear instead of standing up for who I am and what I drink and don’t drink. So, I commit myself to stand up instead of falling in fear of being judged if I don’t drink alcohol, and simply state it as so. The only thing to lose is a friend/potential friend and if they don’t want to be my friend cause I don’t drink alcohol, then that is better for me cause it shows to me they are not willing to get to know me and see what more I have to offer/be than alcohol (and I don’t want to be with such people anyways).
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I would compromise myself to have someone like me more, and from this I realize that one of my weaknesses and desires is to have an idealized friendship with a female, where I feel loved/liked and a part of something
I commit myself to stop compromising myself for an idealized friendship as I realize what I want is basically impossible and I cannot get it through compromising myself – but actually redefining and creating myself. So, I commit myself to redefine myself into an individual who stands up for who they are and the decisions they make (ie: no alcohol).
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question ‘’what do I have to lose?’’ by being honest with N in showing to her my stance with alcohol within confidence and I realize because I didn’t speak up regarding this point, I still am not confident in speaking up about it in front of others due to fear of being excluded or not liked by people
When and as I see myself fear being excluded or not liked by people due to me speaking up about not drinking alcohol, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the only thing I have to lose is a few people who are not really worth it in the long run if they are not willing to get to know me/be with me due to my choice in alcohol. I realize I still have my partner who is like me in not drinking alcohol, so really there is nothing to lose. I commit myself to question ‘’what do I have to lose?’’ when I catch myself in moments of fear of being disliked or excluded for speaking up about my drinking choices as I realize I really have nothing to lose as my survival is ok/I have money, and I have a committed partner willing to walk his life with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold/keep/maintain a stable relationship with a woman the moment I know she finds interest in me as a friend, since I realize there is desire to have a close, secure relationship with a female where I can know for a fact they are my good friend and will always be so, instead of realizing this desire cannot in fact be so since relationships change over time and only if one has formed a deep connection with someone than that can be possible but in this day and age and our relationship with the MCS, it is basically impossible to have such a deep, pure female friendship/relationship
When and as I see myself desire a deep friendship with another woman, I stop and I breathe. I realize this relationship to manifest is impossible, as I first need to establish/have a deep, intimate relationship with myself, and that even despite me having a friendship with someone, one cannot be trusted entirely due to our relationships with the mind, and existing in the secret mind and backchats, etc. So I commit myself to let the female-friendship desire go as I also realize it’s perhaps due to childhood memories and instead embrace who I am here and appreciate the support and partnership I have with my partner as well as those in the Desteni community for always being there.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize this deep friendship I’ve been craving/desiring comes from situations in which I would see, define and be jealous of how close and connected my friend S was to her other friend, where they were like sisters and so similar to each other, they were so natural in who they were and because of that connected and formed a deep bond/relationship, something I haven’t had with a woman, but my partner. I realize they were a special in case in that most children are unable to form such a close bond with someone, so early in life in school years. Only certain children are able to connect very well in such a way, and so I should not take that situation personally as I realize they were a special case, and more children have been like me, yet I am grateful I do have a connection like that now with my partner.
I commit myself to make peace with the fact that the two girls who I envied and wanted a friendship with were a special particular case showing the rarity yet uniqueness of having such a friendship existent on a school level, since it is quite rare, and in turn what I have witnessed I am appreciative of it, seeing the potential that friendships can have, and also grateful in my life that I have a connected, quite deep relationship with my partner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave/desire such a female relationship where we are similar and together all the time and because of that, dependable on each other, not realizing the points behind it such as: hiding behind a relationship, the fear of being alone, and the compromising effect of not being able to stand alone and speak up for oneself. I see, realize and understand many female friendships have women/girls who tend to hide within them to feel safe and included.
When and as I see myself crave/desire a female friendship, I stop and I breathe. I realize many female friendships existent today are based on self-dishonest and for hiding oneself to not feel excluded and/or cause the relationship supports a personality of theirs. I commit myself to identify what words are within female friendships that I like and would like to incorporate into my life, and see how I can practically do that for myself, in my relationship with me and my life.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can simply enjoy the company of other women, and that forming a deep bond/connection with someone is a process to walk to establish self-trust and intimacy, similar to how it was to create a bond with my partner
I commit myself to practice enjoying me in the company of women, and to not expect/desire/want a deep friendship out of it, but to simply enjoy the presence of another as me
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